A roast is a classic way to deliver a quick jab, but it takes skill and timing to make it truly memorable. Whether you’re aiming for lighthearted humor or something savage and dirty, these 45 good roasts that hurt will help you nail the perfect comeback for any occasion. From clean roasts for kids to dirty one-liners for adults, we’ve got something for everyone.
1. Clean Roasts: Lighthearted Burns That’ll Make You Laugh
These clean roasts are perfect for playful banter without crossing any boundaries. Use them when you want to poke fun without going too far.
1. “You bring so much joy when you leave the room.”
2. “If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.”
3. “I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
4. “You have the perfect face for radio.”
5. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
6. “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.”
7. “I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
8. “You’re proof that even a broken clock is right twice a day.”
9. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
10. “Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”
11. “You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
12. “You’re the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
13. “Your brain is like a web browser—too many tabs open, none of them useful.”
14. “You’re proof that evolution can go in reverse.”
15. “I could explain it to you, but I’d rather just let you be confused.”
16. “I would agree with you, but we’d both be wrong.”
17. “Your personality is like a cloud—it leaves when the sun comes out.”
18. “I’ve seen more brains in a potato.”
19. “Your brain is like a puzzle, half the pieces are missing.”
20. “The last time I saw something like you, I was in a horror movie.”
21. “If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I would’ve asked.”
22. “Your existence is proof that even humans can be a glitch in the matrix.”
23. “You have the perfect face for a blind date.”
24. “I don’t know what’s worse—your jokes or your sense of style.”
25. “You must be the human version of a participation trophy.”
26. “You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, ‘Not now.’”
27. “You’re a human contradiction—you say nothing and still manage to say it poorly.”
28. “I would say you’re the worst mistake I’ve ever made, but I don’t make mistakes.”
29. “You remind me of a cloud—always full of hot air.”
30. “You’re like a broken pencil: pointless.”
31. “When I see you, I remember that my brain has a ‘skip’ button.”
32. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together… but we’d still never get along.”
33. “Your future is as bright as a blackout.”
34. “You’ve got the perfect face for a mask.”
35. “If I wanted to hear something stupid, I’d talk to myself.”
36. “You couldn’t shine if you were a diamond.”
37. “You’re like a virus—everywhere I go, there you are.”
38. “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
39. “You bring a lot of joy when you leave the room.”
40. “Your brain is on vacation, and your mouth is on overdrive.”
41. “You’re proof that some people have selective hearing and very poor judgment.”
42. “You have the mental capacity of a soggy napkin.”
43. “You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least you’re in the shed.”
44. “You must be the human version of a Wi-Fi dead zone.”
45. “I would say you’re a genius, but that would be an insult to genius.”
2. One-Liners That Hit Hard: Quick and Savage
These one-liner roasts are short, snappy, and designed to hit hard. Use these when you need to deliver a punch without saying too much.
1. “You’re like a mosquito—annoying, but ultimately harmless.”
2. “I could agree with you, but we’d both be wrong.”
3. “Your brain is like a web browser—too many tabs open, none of them useful.”
4. “If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I would’ve asked.”
5. “You’re the human version of a participation trophy.”
6. “I’m not saying you’re ugly, but you’re the reason people get head injuries.”
7. “Your face is a work of art—like a Picasso.”
8. “I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dingbat dictionary at home.”
9. “You’re like a cloud—when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
10. “You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
11. “I would say you’re the worst mistake I’ve ever made, but I don’t make mistakes.”
12. “You have the perfect face for a blind date.”
13. “You must be the human version of a participation trophy.”
14. “You’re the kind of person who would step on Legos and still blame someone else.”
15. “Your personality is like a cloud—it leaves when the sun comes out.”
16. “You couldn’t shine if you were a diamond.”
17. “I don’t hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
18. “You bring so much joy when you leave the room.”
19. “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
20. “The last time I saw something like you, I was in a horror movie.”
21. “You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”
22. “You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least you’re in the shed.”
23. “You’re like a used car—old, broken, and overpriced.”
24. “You’re so dense, light bends around you.”
25. “I would say you’re the most useless person in the room, but that’s an insult to useless people.”
26. “You’re proof that even a broken clock is right twice a day.”
27. “You have the intelligence of a potato, but the looks of a sweet potato.”
28. “If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.”
29. “You couldn’t find your way out of a paper bag with a map.”
30. “I’m not saying you’re dumb, but you don’t exactly make Einstein look like a slacker.”
31. “You remind me of a cloud—always full of hot air.”
32. “I wouldn’t say you’re ugly, but you’re definitely not the prettiest ornament on the Christmas tree.”
33. “If your brain was taxed, it would get a refund.”
34. “You’re the reason we need an IQ test for people who work at the library.”
35. “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
36. “You’re not stupid, you’re just… a little slower than a snail on a lazy day.”
37. “You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”
38. “I’m not saying you’re fat, but you’re clearly not on the light side of life.”
39. “You’re like a cloud—when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
40. “The last time I saw something like you, I was in a horror movie.”
41. “If you were any more inbred, you’d be a sandwich.”
42. “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.”
43. “You must have a lot of potential—you haven’t reached it yet.”
44. “You’re so dumb, you make a rock look like a genius.”
45. “You should wear a sign that says, ‘I’m lost—don’t help me.’”
3. Dirty Roasts: Savage and Edgy Comebacks
These dirty roasts are for those times when you want to get a bit bolder with your insults. They’re edgy, savage, and perfect for adult banter. Just be careful where and when you use them—these roasts aren’t for the faint of heart.
1. “You’re like a software update—nobody asked for you, and you’re always inconvenient.”
2. “You have the personality of a dial-up connection—slow and outdated.”
3. “You have the face of someone who can’t even pull off a Halloween costume.”
4. “I’d say you’re the worst thing to happen to humanity, but I’d be insulting bad decisions.”
5. “If you were a vegetable, you’d be a ‘couch potato’.”
6. “You bring nothing to the table, but the table’s better off without you.”
7. “If brains were taxed, you’d get a refund.”
8. “You’re the human version of a participation trophy—pointless.”
9. “I’d explain it to you, but you wouldn’t understand even if I did.”
10. “If you were any more useless, you’d be a broken pencil.”
11. “Your secrets are always safe with me—there’s no chance I’m listening to you.”
12. “You’re like a fart—no one cares until you leave.”
13. “I would make a joke about your brain, but I know you’d be too slow to get it.”
14. “Your sense of humor is like your phone’s battery—always dying.”
15. “You’re proof that evolution can go in reverse.”
16. “You’re like a cloud—you disappear and leave everyone with a little more sunshine.”
17. “I wouldn’t say you’re the worst thing in the world, but you’re definitely top 10.”
18. “If I wanted to hear something stupid, I’d talk to myself.”
19. “If you were a fruit, you’d be a ‘dumb berry’.”
20. “You have the intellectual capacity of a rock.”
21. “If your brain was taxed, it would get a refund.”
22. “You’re like a broken pencil—completely pointless.”
23. “I don’t hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
24. “You have the mental capacity of a brick wall.”
25. “You’re like a Google search result—every time I look, it’s irrelevant.”
26. “If you were any more full of yourself, you’d be your own planet.”
27. “Your breath smells like you’ve been eating garbage, but it’s the only thing you can digest.”
28. “You’re like a Wi-Fi router—always dropping connections.”
29. “If you were a sandwich, you’d be a ‘stupid sandwich’.”
30. “If stupidity was an Olympic sport, you’d be a gold medalist.”
31. “Your idea of fun is probably sitting in a corner, talking to yourself.”
32. “You’re like a broken record—repeating the same dumb stuff over and over again.”
33. “Your face looks like it’s been through a meat grinder, and it didn’t get any better.”
34. “You’re so dense, light bends around you.”
35. “You’re the human equivalent of a headache.”
36. “If you were any more ignorant, you’d be a post on Reddit.”
37. “You’re like a sponge—sucking all the fun out of the room.”
38. “The only thing more embarrassing than your outfit is your personality.”
39. “You’re like a car with no engine—just a waste of space.”
40. “If you were any dumber, we’d have to tie a rope around your neck just to get you out of bed.”
41. “Your sense of humor is as dry as the Sahara.”
42. “You’re like a vending machine that never works.”
43. “If brains were taxed, you’d be eligible for a refund.”
44. “You’re like a Wi-Fi connection—always buffering, never delivering.”
45. “You’re the reason we have instruction manuals.”
4. Roasts for Kids: Fun and Lighthearted Burns
Kids love jokes, and these roasts for kids are playful and harmless. They’re designed to make everyone laugh without crossing any lines.
1. “You’re like a cloud—when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day!”
2. “You must be the human version of a Wi-Fi dead zone.”
3. “You’re the reason we can’t have nice things.”
4. “If you were any cooler, you’d be ice.”
5. “Your jokes are as funny as watching paint dry.”
6. “You’re like a fire extinguisher—everyone hopes you’ll never be needed.”
7. “You couldn’t find your way out of a paper bag.”
8. “You must have been born on a highway, because that’s where most accidents happen.”
9. “You have the mental capacity of a bag of chips.”
10. “You’re like a school bus—you’re loud, awkward, and no one wants to be near you.”
11. “You must have a lot of potential—you haven’t reached it yet.”
12. “If you were any more average, you’d be the definition of normal.”
13. “Your backpack’s heavier than your brain.”
14. “You’re as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
15. “You could use a little more imagination—and a lot less reality.”
16. “I’ve seen plants grow faster than your brain works.”
17. “You’re the reason they put ‘Don’t try this at home’ labels on things.”
18. “If your brain was any smaller, you’d be a jellybean.”
19. “You have the fashion sense of a blindfolded monkey.”
20. “You’re as sharp as a marble.”
21. “If you were any more clueless, we’d need a GPS to find you.”
22. “You’re the kind of kid who would get stuck in a revolving door.”
23. “You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but you’re still in the shed.”
24. “I’ve seen more brains in a potato.”
25. “Your brain must have gone on vacation without you.”
26. “You’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot.”
27. “Your idea of a good time is watching a leaf fall from a tree.”
28. “You’re the reason the ‘don’t touch’ button exists.”
29. “You’re like a pancake—flat and in need of improvement.”
30. “You’ve got the personality of a wet sponge.”
31. “You’ve been reading too many comic books—this isn’t a superhero movie.”
32. “You’re like a bicycle with training wheels—cute but not quite there yet.”
33. “You’re so bright, the lightbulb goes out to make room for you.”
34. “Your idea of an adventure is going to the grocery store.”
35. “I didn’t know they let people like you into school.”
36. “Your hobbies include being in the way and annoying people.”
37. “You’re the kind of kid who would put glue in their hair and wonder why it’s stuck.”
38. “You’ve got a ‘special’ kind of dumb.”
39. “You make a great doorstop—always in the way and never doing anything useful.”
40. “Your favorite color is probably gray, because it matches your personality.”
41. “Your backpack is the only thing heavier than your attitude.”
42. “You’re like a broken pencil—pointless.”
43. “You’ve got the kind of energy that would make a sloth run a marathon.”
44. “You’ve got the brain of a goldfish and the memory to match.”
45. “I’ve seen bigger brains in an ant.”
5. Reddit Dirty Roasts: Savage One-Liners from the Internet
Here are dirty roasts from Reddit that are perfect for online trolling or just brutal honesty. These are the types of roasts you’ll find in the dark corners of the web.
1. “You’re the kind of person who would think a cereal box is a real book.”
2. “If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d talk to my reflection.”
3. “You’re proof that evolution is a slow process.”
4. “You’re so dumb, you make a rock look like a genius.”
5. “Your intellect is as shallow as a kiddie pool.”
6. “Your brain’s like a virus—spread out but useless.”
7. “You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
8. “Your idea of a good time is probably taking a nap in the sun.”
9. “If you were any more dense, we’d have to put you in a museum.”
10. “If dumb was a crime, you’d be serving a life sentence.”
11. “You’d have a better chance at winning the lottery than having a decent thought.”
12. “You have the emotional range of a spoon.”
13. “You’re the kind of person who would microwave a toaster.”
14. “If you were any more irrelevant, you’d be a fax machine.”
15. “You’re like a sponge—full of useless information.”
Conclusion
Roasting is an art, and whether you’re going for a clean roast, a savage dirty one-liner, or something hilarious for kids, these 45 good roasts that hurt have got you covered. These savage comebacks are sure to make anyone laugh (or feel a little burned). Just remember: timing is everything. Make sure you know your audience, and always keep it fun and light-hearted!
FAQs
Q1: What are some good clean roasts for kids?
A1: Clean roasts for kids should be playful and funny, without being mean-spirited. Some examples are: “You have the personality of a dial-up connection!” or “You’re like a cloud—when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day!”
Q2: What makes a roast hurt?
A2: A roast hurts when it hits a sensitive spot or when it’s so sharp and quick that the person can’t come up with a comeback. The best roasts are clever, funny, and sometimes a little too true.
Q3: Can dirty roasts be used in a fun way?
A3: Yes, dirty roasts can be used for playful banter among adults or close friends, but they should always be kept respectful and avoid crossing any boundaries.
